I gotta say, I’m very happy that 2008 is here. While 2007 started out most fantastically, somewhere around half way through, sucking commenced. Most of it was financial, some of it was relationship and friendship related, some of it was health related and some of it was old depressive ghosts coming back to haunt.
Over the last four months I’ve had a lot of spinning around in place because I’ve been so mentally overwhelmed by issues that I didn’t know what to do next. And I’m battling things that leave me utterly perplexed about their outcomes, because I’m not the only person involved in resolving these problems, yet I may have to force resolutions at some point. I’m not very good at handling uncertainty and uncertainty is all there is for the foreseeable future. By association I’ve become a puppet in someone else’s sociopathic games, which infuriates me because the person who is direct line of this sociopath’s actions certainly doesn’t deserve it, but there doesn’t seem to be anything concrete I can do to help. And I sure as hell don’t deserve it either.
It doesn’t help that this past holiday season has made my top five list of Worst Holiday Seasons Ever. I would probably put it at #2, actually (2002 still holds the #1 spot, for the sheer family fuckery of the entire year). I’ve felt as if I were an afterthought to some of those close to me, both of the family and not-family variety. I don’t handle that well either.
And I’m just very tired of financial scrambling – no matter how hard I try to get back on my feet, I can’t seem to quite get there.
I’m just tired. Tired of eyes filled with tears. Tired of the pain. Because right now, my heart hurts. My mind hurts. My soul hurts.
Here’s hoping the tai chi I’m starting today can help with some of that.
And here’s hoping that 2008 will get better. Because I’m going to try hard with a vengence.