musical interlude…

From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, boy
My heart said follow through.
But I know now that I’m way down on your line
But the waiting feeling’s fine

So don’t treat me like a puppet on a string
‘Cause I know how to do my thing
Don’t talk to me as if you think I’m dumb
I wanna know when you’re gonna come

See-
I don’t wanna wait in vain for your love
I don’t wanna wait in vain for your love
I don’t wanna wait in vain for your love
‘Cause summer is here
And I’m still waiting there
Winter is here
I’m still waiting there

Like I said-
It’s been three years since I’m knocking on your door
And still I can knock some more
Ooh, boy, ooh, boy, is it crazy? Look, I wanna know now
For I to knock some more

You see-
In life I know
That there is lots of grief
But your love is my relief
Tears in my eyes burn
Tears in my eyes burn
While I’m waitin’
While I’m waitin’ for my turn

You see-
I don’t wanna wait in vain for your love
I don’t wanna wait in vain for your love
I don’t wanna wait in vain for your love
‘Cause summer is here
And I’m still waiting there
Winter is here
I’m still waiting there

Like I said-
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna wait in vain
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna wait in vain

It’s been three years since I’m knocking on your door
And still I can knock some more
Ooh, boy, ooh, boy, is it crazy? Look, I wanna know now
Like I said-
Tears in my eyes burn
Tears in my eyes burn
While I’m waiting
While I’m waiting for my turn

You see-
Ooh, boy, ooh, boy, is it crazy? Look, I wanna know now
For I to knock some more
In life I know there is lots of grief
But your love is my relief

Waiting in Vain by Annie Lennox (from Medusa)

Man oh man, are the memories coming back.

So much has happened since I was first given this CD three years ago. And the young man who it to gave me was one for whom I felt these feelings all too keenly.

Well, those of you who have been following along with your intrepid heroine from the beginning know the outcome of that. For those new to these pages, four words: crash and burn, baby.

Oh, we’re still friends. Not as nearly close as we once were, perhaps, but I have to take full responsibility for that. He’s still been there for me when I’ve needed him, even when I haven’t asked for his support. He’s a good guy like that. I wish I could say the same of me for him. I’m hoping that’ll change.

I’ve dated extensively in the intervening years (okay, mainly this year), and found myself having similar feelings for another friend, whom I’ve never dated. Might have something to do with the whole “From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, boy/My heart said follow through” thing. Seriously, the first time I saw his profile nearly two years ago I thought, “That is someone I must meet and get to know.” And now we’re great friends. But being able to recognize the signs of a hopeless torch being carried (hello, previous experience!), I was able to put the brakes on that car before I drove over another cliff. Well, most of it, at any rate. I think a wheel’s been hanging off the edge there.

And now?

For more than a month I’ve been dating someone. The same person. Over a whole month. Stranger yet, he’s drawing me from behind the walls I’ve built up around me. Walls that I thought were fifty feet high and constructed of pure solid titanium, but which might be mere canvas flats after all. My heels are still wearing grooves in the earth, at least a little bit, but I find myself missing him when we don’t see each other, such as this week (ah, the joys of dating a single father – I recognize and accept that his children must come first, but I still miss him). We talk or email nearly every day. Until this week we saw each other at least once a week, and sometimes twice. My lack of a car and his residence in the South Bay preclude us from seeing each other more than that. At least for the time being.

I smile when I think of him, feeling my face soften and my heart warm. When we are together, I just want to put my arms around him or lean on his chest or feel his hot bare skin against mine. And it’s not just because the boy knows what he’s doing in bed (though I won’t deny that might have something to do with it).

He’s intelligent, kind and thoughtful. I’m used to men treating me well. I’ve been very fortunate in that way – even the two gentlemen mentioned above have sung my praises for the most part – proof that even when my feelings are hopeless, at least the men are worthy. (They’ve even said things to me that sound remarkably close to a few lines from this song.) Still, I’m amazed that HSTeacher treats me like a princess. No, like a goddess. It’s astounding to me.

He’s not a vegetarian, but he was, back in his Santa Cruz days, and when we’re having dinner together he eats only vegetarian food. I never asked him to. He just does it because he wants to.

We have many things in common. We’re not carbon copies of each other, but our politics and mutual love of science fiction and interest in metaphysics – amongst other things – are very complimentary. On our second date he turned to me and said, “Uh, Carol, I don’t want this to sound like an insult, but, uh, you’re kind of a nerd.”

I raised my eyebrow in a very Spockian manner. “Kind of? Trust me, that’s not even close to an insult. But I prefer to think of myself as a geek – I don’t know enough technical stuff to be a nerd.”

When I gaze into his big brown eyes, I find myself happy, then shy, and I bury my face in his chest, which makes him laugh and hold me closer.

He makes me laugh. Y’all know how important that is for me. And I make him laugh, which I love to hear.

We’ve, well, he asked me a couple of weeks ago if I felt comfortable with him referring to me as his girlfriend. At the time I was simply not ready for that and I told him as gently, but as honestly, as possible.

Recently I told him that, if he wanted to call me his girlfriend, I’d be cool with that, as lately I’ve been thinking of him as my boyfriend.

Yeah. Me. A Boyfriend. Capital “B”. Who’da thunk, huh?

I’m still a bit cautious. There have been one or two other gentlemen over the last few years who were promising, but where nothing came of their pursuits (LiterateLawyerGuy, anyone?). Yet, this whole experience is filling me with wonder.

I have to say that maybe, just maybe, I won’t be waiting in vain anymore.


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