testify!

The never-before-linked-here but ever lovely bstewart23 recently wrote most awesome entry regarding things to try in the new year. I strongly recommend that y’all read it.

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I gotta say, I’m very happy that 2008 is here. While 2007 started out most fantastically, somewhere around half way through, sucking commenced. Most of it was financial, some of it was relationship and friendship related, some of it was health related and some of it was old depressive ghosts coming back to haunt.

Over the last four months I’ve had a lot of spinning around in place because I’ve been so mentally overwhelmed by issues that I didn’t know what to do next. And I’m battling things that leave me utterly perplexed about their outcomes, because I’m not the only person involved in resolving these problems, yet I may have to force resolutions at some point. I’m not very good at handling uncertainty and uncertainty is all there is for the foreseeable future. By association I’ve become a puppet in someone else’s sociopathic games, which infuriates me because the person who is direct line of this sociopath’s actions certainly doesn’t deserve it, but there doesn’t seem to be anything concrete I can do to help. And I sure as hell don’t deserve it either.

It doesn’t help that this past holiday season has made my top five list of Worst Holiday Seasons Ever. I would probably put it at #2, actually (2002 still holds the #1 spot, for the sheer family fuckery of the entire year). I’ve felt as if I were an afterthought to some of those close to me, both of the family and not-family variety. I don’t handle that well either.

And I’m just very tired of financial scrambling – no matter how hard I try to get back on my feet, I can’t seem to quite get there.

I’m just tired. Tired of eyes filled with tears. Tired of the pain. Because right now, my heart hurts. My mind hurts. My soul hurts.

Here’s hoping the tai chi I’m starting today can help with some of that.

And here’s hoping that 2008 will get better. Because I’m going to try hard with a vengence.

update: 4:57pm pdt

We’re still hanging in there. It’s been a long and exhausting day. We managed to get out of the building and into a HumVee about three hours ago, thanks to HSTeacher. I don’t know how he got it or where he learned to drive one – he’s not inclined to say more than necessary right now, but I’m so ecstatic to see him, for many reasons. Still, it’s the first time I’ve ever been happy to see a Hummer on the streets of Los Angeles. He managed to grab some weapons, too. The man is just incredible. And another first for me: I’m glad that I’ve handled guns in the past. I was never very good, but they just might come in handy.

We’ve made it to a more secure area, about forty-five minutes away. Well, most of us. One of the secretaries was snatched by her former boss as we dashed out the back door. I started towards them, but HSTeacher grabbed me and pulled me stumbling back to the HumVee. The smart thing to do, I know, but it doesn’t make losing our compatriot any easier. So now we’re down to three, plus my honey and his kids. He was able to get them before heading out to find me. He’s not saying how. I get the feeling he’s seen worse things than I have, but now is not the time talk about it.

It’s amazing that we can get a wi-fi signal here, intermittent though it may be. My trusty iBook is proving to be a life saver, possibly in the literal sense.

We’ve fortified the small building we’re in and are all sitting with guns and crowbars and the like. We also have all the food and water I had hoarded before. I think we’ll be okay for a while.

i was wrong…

I don’t know what I was thinking. I’d been preparing for this for months, knowing deep down that this day would come. I guess I thought I’d be safe here, amongst those for whom science is a calling. I thought they’d have the resources to beat off the hordes, to keep us safe.

I was wrong.

I should have known the hordes would head here early in the game.

Game? If only. No rules, no time outs. The only game here is winner takes all. I think the hordes are going to be the winners.

Science isn’t helping. Too many tempting big juicy brains around. No doubt succulent to those who feast upon gray matter for sustenance.

And now they’re gone. The guards went first, in the dead (ha!) of night. The hordes took the poor deer to keep them “alive” until morning, when the scientists and engineers started showing up for work. Poor guys never had a chance, never saw them coming until it was too late. 28 Days was right – those suckers move fast. And they’re a lot less brain-dead than I anticipated. Which is why it all happened so fast.

All I know is that, when I showed up for work, bodies were strewn about. There was no way I could head home – I didn’t have the time. So I ran for my building and locked myself inside. I’m not even sure how I made it – the rush of adrenaline blurs all.

And now I crouch here with other administrative assistants, trying to stay calm, or at least appear calm. All the big brained scientists and engineers are gone, either eaten or turned themselves. We hope we’re not next, but there is the unspoken belief hanging in the air – we don’t have much longer. We listen to webcasted news reports, realizing that, in a matter of hours, this horror has spread across the country and, possibly, around the world. We’ve tried to call out, but office lines are down and cell reception is spotty. I don’t know how my honey is doing, because I haven’t been able to get hold of him. I’m horribly worried about him, and all of my loved ones. I don’t know what to do.

I wish I had been stockpiling weapons for the last few months. I didn’t know if I could get away with it, so I didn’t try. But I’ve got a good stockpile of food and water that I’ve been hiding, so the four of us should be fine for a while. As long as we can keep locked up in this building, that is.

Oh G-d, what was that? I hear pounding that wasn’t there before! And now screeching! Oh please, no! I’ve got to go, but I hope that this record makes its way out until the living world. I pray that there still is a living world…

‘ere, he says he’s not dead

But this weekend sure scared me enough to think I wasn’t too far behind.

Okay, that is more than a little hyperbolic, but having to have to go to the emergency room was more than a little jarring.

I had a pretty bad episode on Saturday – HSTeacher had to take me to the emergency room because it lasted much longer than usual. As a rule the epidoses come and go, with maybe a minute or so per episode at the most.

However, when HSTeacher was taking me to the train which would take me home in time for a cable guy appointment (I was planning to join the 21st century and get high-speed internet), I felt an episode start.

We got to the train station and had a few minutes to wait, but the episode just kept happening, even though I did all my usual tricks to calm myself, such as breathing exercises. I warned HSTeacher that I might not be able to get on the train, but I also said that maybe we should get to the platform to see how I felt. We got to the platform and I had to lean against a pole. It was not good, so I sat down for a few moments while he held me, then we went back to his place.

I laid down, thinking that maybe I needed to rest a bit, but we started to look up emergency rooms in the area, just in case. Ten minutes later I told my honey that we had to go to the emergency room, because my whole body started tingling. I sat up and swung my legs over the side, but the thought of standing on my own was too much to bear, so HSTeacher had to help me up and helped me out to his car. I could walk, but it was slow going and I was more than a little wobbly.

We got to the hopsital and, as we parked, a new symptom appeared: my right hand just started shaking, though not for long. We did the whole check-in rigmarole and soon afterwards the nurses got me into the triage portion, though I had to wait quite a while for a technician to perform my EKG – the hospital was extremely busy. Of course, as is the case of every other EKG I’ve had since October, it was a lovely EKG in every way, suitable for framing. However, not everything was so hunky dory: my normally on-the-low-side-of-normal blood pressure was up to 143/82 and my heart rate was at 101 – the chances are that it had come down by that point.

Since it was ascertained that I wasn’t having a heart attack – at least not at that moment – back out to the waiting room I went (HSTeacher had been chased out of the triage area earlier due to space issues – too many people back there as well). So we waited for another few hours, with his arm around my shoulder, my head on his shoulder and his head resting on mine. At one point I was feeling better and he was starting to doze, so we switched and I rested his head on my chest. We were way too sweet for words.

All told we were in the emergency room for about five to six hours. Finally I asked one of the nurses if she had a rough estimate about much longer it would be before my name was called. Because of the extreme business of the ER, she couldn’t even give me a ballpark figure. At that point I was feeling much better (though very tired) so we left, because we could have been sitting there for another three to four, if not more. (One guy had gotten there three hours before we did – at 5am – and he was still waiting at 1pm)

So Saturday’s episode lasted over three hours. Worst. Epiosde. Ever.

I also started my period on Saturday, which didn’t help me feel any better. The whole day was me sleeping off and on, HSTeacher being very solicitous, trying to keep his kids as quiet as possible, bringing me a heating pad for my abdomen and making sure I got the sleep I needed. Admittedly there was one time we clashed, but that was through a misunderstanding that we cleared up, and he was the perfect boyfriend. Of course.

Sunday I was still feeling off, but well enough to head back home and attend a political meeting. MusicianMan and I talked a bit about what’s been going on with me and he made some good suggestions, also agreeing with what I’ve been doing to narrow this thing down.

I am feeling much better now. I went for my previously scheduled follow-up this morning, where a new wrinkle entered the scene. My blood pressure decided to have a little fun today. Around 9:30am it was taken and registered at 116/72. Pretty good. But, only an hour later it was taken again. This time? 130/83. And thirty minutes later my docotor took my blood pressure again, in both arms, with the old fashioned stethescope/BP cuff method, and it hovered around 140/85.

For criminey’s sake.

So Doc is putting me on a low dose of beta blockers. And baby aspirin.

Woo Fucking Hoo.

Who knows what’s going on? I sure don’t. But I am going to continue to work on my eating habits, just to see how much that helps, and I’m going to eat out a lot less than I have. Instead I’m going to prepare a lot more of my own foods, eat as much organic food as possible, because there is the possibility I’ve developed a sensitivity to something. And get right back on the supplements that I negelected a little last week because my schedule was thrown off so much. And I’ll know next week the results of my Holter monitor test.

I’m really getting tired of all of this. Can I go back to feeling relatively healthy again? Please?

on and off…

Yesterday I went and done got myself a Holter monitor strapped to my chest:

Five lovely electrodes were taped to several strategic points, including under my breasts. It’s always kinda funny when electrodes have to be placed there, because the nurses – all female – are always a little hesitant, especially since I possess rather large breasts that tend flop a bit, what with them belonging to a plus-size 40 year old and all. I always just grab them and hoist them out of the way, which they appreciate (the nurses, not the breasts – I don’t think the breasts like to be hoisted much).

I wore the monitor until 11am today, whereupon it automatically switched off and was unstrapped. It looks so innocent, sitting there, all turned off:

But it’s not, because the tape that was used to keep the wires from moving and catching and dislocating the electrodes itched like a mo-fo. The itchiness got so bad last night that I had to take melatonin to fall asleep, even though I was exhausted.

And it wasn’t just that the itchiness nearly drove me out of my mind. The electrodes marked me for life:

Or at least for several hours afterwards. That mark was near my left clavicle.

I’m going back to the second clinic on Monday morning for a follow-up, but I did have a few episodes yesterday. Not bad ones, but there was definitely some dizziness and palpitations. One was on my way to the hospital, but the rest should have been caught by the monitor. However, unless something serious is found, I won’t hear the results for another couple of weeks.

I really hope I don’t hear from them for another couple of weeks.

expecting new electronics…

…too bad I’m not excited about it.

Things have been going far too well in the World of Carol, so I’ve kinda been expecting the other shoe to drop any second. It seems like it just might have done so.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a clinic to have tests run on my heart and blood and the like. Everything tested normal, including my thyroid, so there should be nothing to worry about, right?

Not so much.

On Saturday there was a moment where I got into HSTeacher’s waterbed and laid down, suddenly short of breath with some pressure in the chestal area. It lasted for a few minutes, but HSTeacher was sleeping at the time and I didn’t want to wake him, and it went away. I started to think, however, that maybe I should go back to the doctor’s, especially as I had I’d recently read that symptoms of heart disease in women are different than those in men and almost every symptom listed has been experienced by me. The only one that I haven’t experienced were the cold sweats or clamminess, but I have had a few moments where I’ve been unusually cold. Then again, the weather has been cold as of late, so who knows.

Yesterday I had an episode of my usual symptoms: feeling a bit faint, heart palpitations, chest pressure, a little short of breath, inexplicably exhausted. I even experienced pain in my right arm, which was new for me. I was merely sitting down at the time, attending an impeachment town hall and not expending much energy. It subsided a bit, but the rest of the evening I felt off.

So this morning I went to another clinic in my network, one that is closer to home than the previous one and is actually on my way to work, so I could possibly get into work in the afternoon (which is where I am now). ECG, bloodwork, more fun tests, whee!

The upshot of the consultation? On Thursday I get to go to my local county hospital, which is affiliated with UCLA and, I believe, has a good cardiology department – I’m doing research on them now – and pick up a heart monitor. I don’t know yet how long I’ll have to wear it, but i hope it’s not too long – I’m not supposed to shower while wearing it. I don’t know about y’all, but I tend to get a little stinky if I go more than one day without showering.

And here is one example of the type of monitor I’ll be wearing:

Pretty, no?

Okay, no.

Still, it wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that I may have to wear it strapped across my chest with a shoulder strap:

Yep, that’s how I’ll look with my lovely new electronics. Except I expect to be wearing clothes over the monitor. And to look less masculine. Most likely I’ll still have breasts.

I’ll go back to the clinic on Monday for a follow-up. Oh joy.

I know I’m a bit of a gadget geek, but this? This is one gadget I could definitely do without.

Okay, damnit, who dropped that damned shoe?

such a weekend…

There’s the good part…and there’s the bad part. I’ll start with the bad part, because I’d rather leave y’all with an upper:

HSTeacher had to take me to the emergency room on Saturday evening. I was scared, let me tell you. I had a racing heart (HSTeacher and I timed it at about 120 beats a minute at one point – my heart doesn’t get that fast even when I work out) and I was feeling very fuzzy and slow, with some tunnel vision and my perception of time and reality completely off. I felt as if I were hyperventilating, but I was having no problems with breathing, so I knew I was getting enough oxygen to my brain. It was very scary.

I gave it about twenty minutes, to see if it were a minor panic attack or something, but it just wouldn’t stop. We went outside to get some fresh air, which helped take a tiny bit of the fuzziness away. For about two minutes. Then the fuzziness came back full force, so I asked HSTeacher to call the Kaiser Nurse Advice Line, and after describing my symptoms and my history, they suggested we go to the emergency room, so we did.

We were there for two hours, but most of that wasn’t waiting in the waiting room – it was being treated. Everything except my heart seemed fine – blood pressure, oxygen levels, blood work. My heart rate was about 94 when we went in and lowered to 84 by the time we left – it was determined that I was dehydrated, so they gave me an IV that took forever to drip into my arm. That helped a lot, as did HSTeacher trying to distract me with a large number of rather bad jokes. I tried to joke back, but I’m notoriously at remembering jokes, so I just smiled and groaned and even laughed a little.

At one point (before they gave me the IV) I was lying down and the doctor asked me to sit up, whereupon my heart rate jumped – she said that was another indicator of dehydration. After the IV was empty, she had me sit up again and my heart rate stayed steady.

The strange thing is, HSTeacher said that, aside from my racing heart, I seemed completely fine, but there was no way he could tell that I was using all of my concentration to try to stay calm and to sound lucid. I knew I was talking, I knew what I was saying made sense to people hearing me and I remember what I said, but it didn’t feel as if I knew what I was actually saying. I’ve never been dehydrated like that before and I don’t know why it hit me so hard and so weirdly. HSTeacher and I had been drinking, but I’d only had one and a half drinks, so I don’t think that could have been it.  The only thing that was different was that I had had some ibuprofen during the day (one small tablet in the morning and one in the evening) because my arthritic neck had been bothering me off and on all day. I tend to very careful mixing pain relievers and alcohol (as in, I don’t), but this one time I may have taken it too close to the drink I’d had with dinner, so there may have been an interaction that exacerbated any dehydration I may have had.

I’m fine now – still a bit tired, as the experience took a lot out of me (I was still exhausted and a bit spacy yesterday), but I’ll definitely be okay. I’m going to follow-up with an appointment at a clinic this week, just to make sure everything is okay. Seeing as heart disease runs in the family and I’ve been diagnosed with costochondritis in the past (not life-threatening at all, but occasionally annoying), I want to keep everything in decent condition.

However, I suspect I’ll have to give up caffeine – this morning I had a few sips of a mocha from a coffee cart on-lab and my heart started beating fast again. Nowhere near as bad as Saturday night, but there was a definite difference. It’s a good thing I like decaf coffee.

And now, for the good:

HSTeacher and I said those three little words this weekend.

Yep, “How about pizza?”

Okay, maybe not those words. A few weeks ago HSTeacher had told me that he was ready to say that he loved me the first time we made love (he actually said, “I’ve been thinking those three words since the first time we made love.”), but he didn’t want to freak me out, knowing how skittish I was, so he didn’t say anything. And he was right to wait – I would not have been ready at that time.

Last week I confessed that I’d been thinking those words as well, but I couldn’t say them. Well, Saturday during the day, as we were cuddling on his bed, I screwed up my courage and mouthed the words. He mouthed them right back with a huge smile. We’ve said them a few times since.

Wow.

It’s been a long time since I’ve spoken those words to a man. I’ve written them before, but it was to someone who didn’t return my feelings, which shattered me pretty badly. So you can imagine that, even with HSTeacher’s confession, I was very nervous about actually saying the words, “I love you.” Which is why I had to mouth them first.

HSTeacher said that it was a pretty intense weekend, and he was absolutely right.

Wow…