testify!

The never-before-linked-here but ever lovely bstewart23 recently wrote most awesome entry regarding things to try in the new year. I strongly recommend that y’all read it.

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I gotta say, I’m very happy that 2008 is here. While 2007 started out most fantastically, somewhere around half way through, sucking commenced. Most of it was financial, some of it was relationship and friendship related, some of it was health related and some of it was old depressive ghosts coming back to haunt.

Over the last four months I’ve had a lot of spinning around in place because I’ve been so mentally overwhelmed by issues that I didn’t know what to do next. And I’m battling things that leave me utterly perplexed about their outcomes, because I’m not the only person involved in resolving these problems, yet I may have to force resolutions at some point. I’m not very good at handling uncertainty and uncertainty is all there is for the foreseeable future. By association I’ve become a puppet in someone else’s sociopathic games, which infuriates me because the person who is direct line of this sociopath’s actions certainly doesn’t deserve it, but there doesn’t seem to be anything concrete I can do to help. And I sure as hell don’t deserve it either.

It doesn’t help that this past holiday season has made my top five list of Worst Holiday Seasons Ever. I would probably put it at #2, actually (2002 still holds the #1 spot, for the sheer family fuckery of the entire year). I’ve felt as if I were an afterthought to some of those close to me, both of the family and not-family variety. I don’t handle that well either.

And I’m just very tired of financial scrambling – no matter how hard I try to get back on my feet, I can’t seem to quite get there.

I’m just tired. Tired of eyes filled with tears. Tired of the pain. Because right now, my heart hurts. My mind hurts. My soul hurts.

Here’s hoping the tai chi I’m starting today can help with some of that.

And here’s hoping that 2008 will get better. Because I’m going to try hard with a vengence.

musical interlude…

Haven’t done one of these in a very long time. Let’s change the format slightly:

While I watch a fair bit of TV, and even like some of it, there’s only one series currently on air for which I have an unbelievable amount of love: Scrubs. It’s crazy, loopy, corny and humanistic all at the same time and, even when it’s not very good, it’s one of the best shows out there.

It’s also got some great songs woven throughout the series, one of which is above. Scrubs has got to be commended for bringing Colin Hay back into the American limelight. Granted, in his Men at Work days, I liked his work well enough, but didn’t think much about it. However, Hay’s acoustic renditions of Beautiful World and Overkill are fantastic. I can hum/sing Overkill for days on end. And I have.

However, Beautiful World hits me in an unexpected place. The first time I listened to the lyrics I teared up, thinking about how sad it was that the protagonist of the song was merely settling for less:

And still this emptiness persists.
Perhaps this is as good as it gets.

That used to kill me.

But not now.

Somewhere over the last few weeks I listened to Beautiful World and thought, “Maybe he’s not settling for less. Maybe he’s just finding the joy in the little things.” And I brightened up a little.

Because sometimes the little things? Are the only places a person can find joy.

Silly sweet TV shows. Beloved music. Frightfully gorgeous musical movies. Stunning sunsets and landscapes. Staring out over the rolling ocean waves. Stroking and scratching kitties and puppies. Cuddling. Laughter.

The big things? Can disappear in an instant. Break a person’s heart. Make a body wonder why and where and when. Can come close to destroying someone who never saw it coming.

But the little things? They’re nearly always constant. They can usually be found even in the worst of times, if only for brief moments. Even after nights that are straight outta Overkill – nights where the thoughts and fears over the big things are so overwhelming that one is literally immobilized, uncertainties turning into terrors, the sneaking suspicion that one’s mind is just broken and why won’t it shut up, shut up, SHUT UP and let you sleep? One doesn’t want to take the pill, because it’ll just prove that you’re not as strong as you thought, not as strong as you used to be.

But one needs to sleep. One needs to calm the ghosts, however briefly, knowing that they’ll just come back again soon, and fall asleep in the arms of one’s love.

Because the little things? Will also return. And they’ll bring joy again.

busyness ensues…

So, yeah, there’s this thing going on, ya know? About folks wanting to be President of the United States and spending lots of money to let you know how they’d be a way better President of the United States than any of the other folks wanting to be President of the United States, not to say astronomically better than the current resident of the White House and his henchmen.

(Then again, any of my cats could be better at that job than Bush. I mean, whichever one got the job could just clean himself or throw up a hairball on national television and his approval rating would go through the roof. Then again, my cats do clean themselves and hork up hairballs in a very dignified manner. It’s a thrill to behold, really.)

I’ve already said who I’m supporting, but now I’m putting my volunteer hours where my mouth is: I’m helping out on the website for Los Angeles for Edwards. The design and initial build is being done by another fellow, but I’ll be helping with the expanded build and the maintenance. It’s what I do best. And I’ll be helping out at a 4th of July Picnic that Los Angeles for Edwards is co-sponsoring. Come on by if you’re in the area, and look for the person in the first half of the event that has “Global Warming” on her back. I’ll be happy to tell you all about John Edwards stands and plans re: Global Warming. And other stuff as they come up.

Of course, this is in addition to my continuing political work as a Tech Chair and Communications Vice-Chair/Secretary and Endorsements Secretary and…

Yeah, the craziness has come back. Yeesh.

adios, 2006…

…it was nice knowing you. And I mean that sincerely.

2006 marked an interesting time, I have to say. For the first time in a long time, the good outweighed the bad by such a huge margin that I almost can’t remember the bad.

It started out on a somber note, even though I was a little excited about it – unemployed, scared for the health of my mother as she struggled with newly diagnosed breast cancer, coming to grips with the likelihood that I’d be alone for the rest of my life in my little one bedroom Valley apartment with my cats.

Somewhere along the way I picked up as a publisher’s assistant for an Irish newspaper and webmaster for an incredible congressional candidate. Mom’s lumpectomy was wildly successful and now she’s doing very well. I decided that everyone else was right and that George Clooney was damned hot. Somehow my love life was jumpstarted and I went on a lot of first dates (though none of them were with George Clooney). I gained a roommate and a new apartment, though I lost my beloved neighborhood.

Unfortunately, I also lost my dearly beloved Noel, he who was my dearest companion – feline or human – for thirteen years. I’m still filled with extraordinary sadness and I wonder if I’ll ever stop missing him. Also, BabySis moved to Florida, which frequently causes the corners of my mouth to turn downwards. My health has been giving me quite the scare as of late, though nothing has yet been diagnosed. Pluto was demoted to dwarf planet status.

And now? I’m working at JPL, which excites me to no end. I’m making pretty okay money, which is nice for once. In a few weeks I’ll be running to be delegate to the California Democratic Party, which would be very interesting if I get it. I’ll be part of a progressive slate, which will up my chances of being elected.

But most astounding for me? I have a boyfriend. One I’ve been seeing for almost six months. And we’re still getting along very well. Like any couple, we have moments where there are arguments, but we talk it out and try to come to some sort of resolution. We love each other like crazy, which is a wonderful feeling. But we also have enough history between the two of us that our feet remain on terra firma even when our heads are in the clouds.

Turning 40 seemed to have worked out for me. Thank you, 2006.

Here’s hoping that 2007 is even better for all of us.

writing a letter to santa…

cross-posted from Ordinary Goddess

Dear Santa… Dear Santa, This year I’ve been busy! In June I gave Gryffud a kidney (1000 points). Last month I invaded Iraq, broke it, and couldn’t glue it back together before Mom got home (-1012 points). Last Tuesday I saved a busload of nuns in Angola (326 points). Last Friday I helped Kymm across the street (6 points). In February I gave Polarbeast some porn (-10 points). In August I helped Gralyn hide a body (-173 points) Overall, I’ve been nice (137 points). For Christmas I deserve a Nintendo Wii! Sincerely, Ordinary Goddess

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

Wow, Gryffud, thanks for letting me donate that kidney. It made up for that whole Iraq thing. (I guess saving nuns helped too.) And I totally scored with the Wii! WooHoo!

Happy (Belated) Holidays to every one!

writing a letter to santa…

cross-posted from Ordinary Goddess

Dear Santa… Dear Santa, This year I’ve been busy! In June I gave Gryffud a kidney (1000 points). Last month I invaded Iraq, broke it, and couldn’t glue it back together before Mom got home (-1012 points). Last Tuesday I saved a busload of nuns in Angola (326 points). Last Friday I helped Kymm across the street (6 points). In February I gave Polarbeast some porn (-10 points). In August I helped Gralyn hide a body (-173 points) Overall, I’ve been nice (137 points). For Christmas I deserve a Nintendo Wii! Sincerely, Ordinary Goddess

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

Wow, Gryffud, thanks for letting me donate that kidney. It made up for that whole Iraq thing. (I guess saving nuns helped too.) And I totally scored with the Wii! WooHoo!

Happy (Belated) Holidays to every one!

cows are smarter than we think…

…at least the Common Cow is:

This was sent to me by one of my political compatriots. This lil’ Taurus girl is tickled pink by it.

cows are smarter than we think…

…at least the Common Cow is:

This was sent to me by one of my political compatriots. This lil’ Taurus girl is tickled pink by it.

rewind last weekend…

…let it begin again.

This past week has been absurdly busy (hence no updates), but last weekend? Wonderful.

A quick recap: Thanksgiving Day was good. The sweet potatoes were a big hit, though I changed the recipe a bit: after doing everything that was called for, the syrup was still not absorbed, so into the oven it went for 10-15 minutes at 200 degrees. Perfect! One of ModelGirl’s guests didn’t even like sweet potatoes until she tried mine. And she loved it. Oh, and the pan fried tofu with peanut sauce? Quite yummy, though I changed up the recipe a bit and used Trader Joes breadcrumbs instead of cornmeal. I seasoned the breadcrumbs myself, tripled the peanut sauce and fried the tofu in big slices instead of cubes. Came out quite well.

HSTeacher and I helped ModelGirl as well, with HSTeacher doing splendid work on the turkey (according to everyone else – naturally I didn’t have any, but for a dead fowl carcass it looked pretty good) and me rocking the vegetarian version of ModelGirl’s sausage stuffing.

However, HSTeacher, having never eaten my cooking, joked (I think) that he doubted my claims of being a good cook were true. Once he saw me chopping and spearing veggies for the dressing with wild abandon, he was moved to photograph my efforts for eternity:

Not only can I cut and spear, but I can stir dressing in a pan too!

BTW, I’ve resolved never to be photographed with my hair up again. Definitely a bad hair day for me. Good boob day, but bad hair day.

And the rest of the weekend was great, too. A lovely holistic couples’ massage on Friday for us, Saturday spent not doing much of anything except spending time with each other, and Sunday…

Sunday I was invited to a post-Thanksgiving dinner by HSTeacher’s mother. Yep. I done did met the mom. And most of the HSTeacher family that lives in the area. Which is most of the family. Oy vey.

It went well. As is my usual modus operandi in group situations, especially groups of people I don’t know, I was fairly quiet, but I did talk a bit and crack a few jokes, none of which seemed to make anyone cringe. I liked them well enough, talking with his sister more than anyone. And good food was had. HSTeacher told me later that night that he was very comfortable with me meeting his family. Naturally that pleased me immensely.

All told, it was a lovely weekend. Again, another milestone was passed and there was a minimum of stumbling. Not only that, it was the longest time we’ve spent together thus far and we enjoyed each other’s company beyond all reasoning. There is no doubt that HSTeacher is just the perfect guy for me.

Excuse me, but I have go and do some sighing and clasping of hands to bosom in rapture…

time to baste the tofurkey…

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It’s going to be a weird one for me. This will be the first Thanksgiving in over ten years that I haven’t spent with family members. The last couple of years I rode up to Fresno with BabySis and her family to spend the holiday with the Fresno contingent. But now that BabySis and her family are living in Florida, that’s not really an option anymore.

I could rent a car and still drive up, and if I didn’t have this brand new spanking boyfriend o’ mine, I probably would. (PS: he’s not actually a spanking boyfriend, as neither of us is into that…) But HSTeacher’s kids are going to be spending the weekend with their mother’s family, and I hate the thought of him spending the holiday alone – plus I just really want to spend time with him – so I thought staying in the LA area would be best. We’ve been invited to dinner by ModelGirl and her hubby, and I’ll be bringing yams and making pan fried tofu with peanut sauce, so at least we’ll be spending the day with dear friends.

On Friday HSTeacher and I are scheduled to get a couple’s session with a woman who specializes in alternative healing and helping couples realize their full potential, so I’m very much looking forward to that. And the rest of the weekend will be just hanging out and enjoying one another’s company. Considering the last couple of weekends have seen us seeing each other for one night, it’ll be nice to have this leisure time.

I just hope that it remains leisure time, because I’ve been feeling a little off since yesterday evening. Around 6pm I was at a Petco near work, picking up stuff for the kitties, and I was suddenly overcome by light-headedness. It felt like it took all of my concentration not to faint. I though it might be low blood sugar, so I went to get something to eat, but it hit me again, several times, and scared the crap out of me. I called my roommate to ask him to pick me up, as I didn’t think I could take a hour and a half bus ride home, and proceeded to measure my heart rate as I waited – it got up to around 100 beats per minute a few times. Then again, the fear of fainting could have certainly shot my heart rate up a bit.

Soon after we got home I felt mostly ok, but the waves of light-headedness still came, though not as hard as before. And now it’s almost 24 hours later and I’m still experiencing it. Though, again, not as bad as last night. The heart rate is averaging around 85-90 beats per minute – still quite fast for me, but not scarily so.

So I’ll be going to the doctor’s first thing on Monday morning (unless it gets dramatically worse before then) to get full bloodwork done. Adult onset diabetes and heart disease run in my family, so it would be best to rule those out or start treating them if it turns out I’m following in my family’s footsteps. I’m trying to eat little somethings throughout the day, so that my blood sugar doesn’t get low, and I’m trying to up my water intake, so there’s no chance of dehydration.

If it turns out that nothing is physically wrong with me, I might have to accept that I might be experiencing low-level panic attacks. I’ve felt them before, and I’ve felt this faint feeling before, but never on such a sustained level, so yeah, gotta head out to the medicos.

I’m just wondering if the dehydration I was treated for last month was more of a symptom than a diagnosis.

I knew things were going too well for me…

BTW, Happy Thanksgiving for all readers based in the U.S.! And Happy Thursday to everyone else!